I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
