Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
