I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
