I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
