My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
