please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
