did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I faked an abortion last night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
