I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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