In the future we'll all be gay
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
