and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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