You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
