I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
