Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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