I need to stop coming to work sober
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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