Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
