apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
