...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
