fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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