Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
