just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
