How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
