Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
