dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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