I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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