well I can't set my house on fire every night
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
