The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
