I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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