i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
