He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
