i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
