Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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