I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
