My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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