She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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