So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
