I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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