So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Randomize
