onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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