I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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