Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
