He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
