dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
