who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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