my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
