He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
