so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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