Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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