Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
