Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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