Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
