Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
