Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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